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Reddit – Dear Bike Owner,

On Saturday April 20 I graduated from University and got straight white girl wasted. After the bar it was too late to catch a bus, and I am too broke to afford a cab, so I borrowed your bike without asking. It was a lusciously smooth ride from what I remember.

Anyways I am very sorry I did not ask to borrow your bike, so I have returned it with a coupon for a free lava cake at Domino’s as an apology.

Cheers,
Bike Theif 

How refreshing is this? In a world of shootings and bombings and shit, it’s good to see there’s still at least a shred of humanity out there. A small reminder that we still can trust & appreciate each other as people. We don’t need to automatically assume the worst. Read the rest of this entry »

[Times Online]  A bus driver for the Freedom Area School District has been accused of letting students fight on his bus last month and not notifying officials of the incident. New Sewickley Township police charged Braden Matthew Hollis by mail Friday with endangering the welfare of children. Police said Hollis was the driver of a Rhodes Transit bus that was parked outside the school district complex after the school was evacuated due to a bomb threat. While the bus was there, a fight broke out between 18-year-old Mariah Sky Lipinski and an unidentified juvenile male at the rear of the vehicle. Police said several students aboard the bus alerted Hollis, who was seated behind the steering wheel, about the situation, but police said he can be heard on video surveillance to “clear the aisle and let them fight.” After the fight ended, police said Lipinski can be observed walking to the front of the bus and speaking with Hollis, who asked her if she was bleeding. But she told him the blood was from the boy. Police said even though the boy can clearly be seen on video bleeding from his nose, Hollis walked back to check on him. Police said Hollis then failed to report the incident to the school, which was notified of what happened by the boy’s parents.

Poor bus drivers. Not only are they poor, but apparently there’s no right way to do their jobs. When shit goes down, you can either step up & face charges or step back…and face charges. Read the rest of this entry »

[Fox NY]  Four Pittsburgh firefighters are suing seven companies that manufacture fire trucks or sirens, claiming they’ve lost hearing due to the blaring sirens. The firefighters range in age from 38 to 62 and joined the city’s fire bureau between 1975 and 2000. They’re claiming that Mack Trucks Inc., Seagrave Fire Apparatus LLC and five other firms “knew or should have known the products … were inherently dangerous, defective and hazardous to human hearing.” The men claim they’ve suffered irreversible hearing loss “due to exposure to the intense noise.” The firefighters are seeking unspecified monetary damages and are not suing the city. They contend the manufacturers should have insulated the sirens to protect their hearing and/or provided warnings about their use.

God dammit, firemen. I don’t want to do this. I love Backdraft. I know you’re not pussies, but you’re kinda being pussies right now. Being a firefighter embodies bravery. Heroism. A willingness to risk black lungs or burning to death to rescue complete strangers at the drop of a dime. It’s as respectable a profession as it gets. Read the rest of this entry »

[Daily Mail]  The optional extras offered by this barber in China won’t appeal to everybody. But after using his blade to shave his customers’ faces, Liu Deyuan will happily give it a quick rinse and scrape it along their eyeballs. Eyeball cleaning is an ancient craft in China, where there is an old saying that cleaning the eyes renders the beauty in life visible. The bizarre practice is dying out in China, but customers can still get the traditional treatment from the Mr Deyuan, who has been offering the service from his stand in a park in Chengdu city, Sichuan province, for the past seven years. After holding the eye open and running his blade across the surface of the eyeball, the barber then inserts a small rod beneath the upper and lower lids and scrapes it back and forth. Mr Deyuan will provide a head and face shave plus an eye cleaning for RMB5 – the equivalent of around 50 pence.

Makes sense. Chicks light themselves on fire, dudes stick razor blades in their eyes. Anyway, Liu Deyuan must have the most steady hand in the entire world. Of all the eyeballs to scrape with a razor blade, the Chinese present the stiffest challenge. Look at the picture. Liu’s got this dude’s left eye pried open as wide as it’s gonna get. There’s not much real estate to work with. Read the rest of this entry »

[The Sun]  Former escort girl Rebecca Dakin now makes a living teaching women how to satisfy their OWN men – so they will not be tempted to stray. The 37-year-old, who bedded nearly 1,000 mostly married blokes during her nine years as a high-class hooker, earns £125 an hour for her expert advice. The former convent girl also gives worried clients her judgement about whether or not their men are cheating — and why they might be being unfaithful. Rebecca says: “I just want to help people stay in relationships. My knowledge comes from experience. When I was an escort about 60 per cent of my clients were married and that gives me a pretty unique insight into how men work and what they want. I’ve spent years hearing men tell me why their relationships failed and why they slept with escorts or other women. I know better than anyone just what it is that women do that drives men away.” Mainly, she suggests, that simply comes down to not giving their men enough sex, She says: “There are obviously other factors and reasons for men cheating, but that is always the most common one.”

What a whore…and I mean that as a compliment. See, whores are like athletes. They have their prime, struggle a bit with the reality of their demise, then walk away when it’s their time. Unless you’re Kurt Thomas. The big difference is, Kurt Thomas gets paid regardless of how little run he gets. For 37 year-old Rebecca, no run = no dough. And no one wants to bang Kurt Thomas. So, if being a past-your-prime streetwalker isn’t an option, what’s a hooker to do?   Read the rest of this entry »

[Sarasota]  The Sarasota Police Department made an arrest of a shoplifter on April 10, 2013 at 7:15 PM at Publix. Employees of Publix witnessed Christopher Seiler, white male, date of birth: 11/16/67, place 10 cans of Axe Deodorant in his pants and attempt to leave the store without paying for them.  The Security Guard for Publix confronted Seiler who ran out of the store and tried to get on a black bicycle to get away. The chain on the bicycle broke and Seiler fell to the ground, losing most of the cans of deodorant in his pants.  The Security Guard grabbed Seiler and Seiler pushed the guard to the ground causing the guard to hit his head on the concrete.  Seiler continued to fight the guard on the ground, but two citizens assisted the guard by pulling Seiler away.  Seiler then fled into an apartment with the Security Guard in pursuit. Upon officer’s arrival, Seiler came out of the apartment where he was taken into custody and positively identified by employees of Publix. Seiler admitted to officers that he took the deodorant. The Security Guard was taken to Sarasota Memorial Hospital with minor injuries and has since been released. Christopher Seiler was arrested and charged with Resisting a Merchant, Battery, and Petit Theft.

Ordinarily, I question the character of anyone who uses anything other than Old Spice High Endurance Fresh. Not this time, though. You don’t necessarily have to agree with the goal in order to appreciate & respect someone’s dedication to it. Hitler may have had his priorities out of whack, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t applaud the commitment it took to parlay his own personal hatred for Jews into an entire army backing him in genocide & WWII. Read the rest of this entry »

[Smoking Gun]  Angered that her boyfriend would not stop singing that catchy “Thrift Shop” song by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, a Colorado woman allegedly choked and pushed her beau during a confrontation late Saturday. Samantha Malson, 23, was arrested by the Longmont Police Department for harassment and domestic violence, according to a Boulder County Sheriff’s Office booking sheet. Malson and her boyfriend, Lars Hansen–who celebrated his 26th birthday Saturday–were both inebriated when officers arrived at their apartment around midnight. Malson, a certified nursing assistant, told cops that the couple had been “fighting all evening over the fact that Hansen accused Malson of consuming all the alcohol in the house.” After Malson briefly left the residence, she returned and “began to listen to Macklemore’s song ‘Thrift Shop,’ which Hansen was singing while laying on the couch.” Malson told cops that Hansen sang the lyrics “over and over,” and that she asked him to stop “25 times” before the fracas began. “He just annoyed me,” Malson told police. She also reportedly confessed that, “I grabbed him around the throat” and “I did it for intimidation.”

I’ve never been 100% on both sides of a dispute until now. I’m an admitted asshole about music & preemptively hate most popular hits…but if this isn’t the catchiest song in history, I don’t know what is. I still have “…this is fucking awesome…” ringing in my head at least 100 times a day. I don’t want it there. I hate it…but I can’t help it. Read the rest of this entry »