[Kentucky] Louisville Metro Police were called to a gas station on a type of bathroom emergency. According to a police report, police responded to the Speedway convenience store in the 2300 block of Brownsboro Road after reports of a man lighting a toilet seat on fire. Upon arrival police arrested James Crittenden, 46, who had been confronted by store personnel in the restroom. According to the written citation, Crittenden told store workers he lit the fire for religious reasons. Crittenden was also arrested July 25, 2012 after police said he was huffing cans of a whipped cream product in the ValuMarket at Mid City Mall around 5:15 p.m. Crittenden, 36, who had been banned from the store in the past for disorderly conduct and theft, opened 10 cans of the product, which totaled $23.90. Crittenden told store personnel that he would pay for the opened cans, but only had $7.00 in his pocket. The arrest report states Crittenden said he was huffing the cans to wake up and that the U.S. Constitution allowed him the authority to huff Redi Whip. Crittenden is now charged with arson.
Am I a weirdo for being jealous of James Crittenden? If Total Recall was legit and I could have memories of another life implanted as my own, I’d stray off the beaten path of athletes or porn stars and take James’ without question. Dude’s like a 46 year old Beavis/Butthead. Just oblivious to any shred of reality or social normalcy without shame. I want to know what that’s like. I want it to just be a regular part of my day to stroll into ValuMarket & rip whippets in the dairy aisle, then honestly tell everyone to relax because the $7 in change jingling in my pocket will cover it. All with zero recognition of wrongdoing because it’s my constitutional right to huff Redi Whip. Ignorant to the simple concept of paying first, or general math for that matter. I’ve spent all my life trying to be a functional, contributing member of society when, in my heart of hearts, all I want to do is take a shit & set the crapper ablaze for the religious fuck of it. If you ask me, James Crittenden is truly living the dream.