If I Had 1300 Cases Of Stolen Corona, Who Would Be At My Party?

Posted: July 24 @ 3:00pm by 610 in Bolivian

[The State]  A trailer of imported beer was stolen from Lugoff on July 5 and the Kershaw County Sheriff’s Office is looking for the driver of the truck used to hijack it, and a man suspected of peddling the beer in the Columbia area. The trailer, loaded with 1,300 cases of Corona beer, was parked at the Pilot gas station at 522 Highway 601 in Lugoff. The sheriff’s department said the driver planned to return on July 8 for the trailer, but it was stolen about 7 p.m. on July 5 when another truck was connected to it and driven off. The white trailer has a S.C. license tag PV74571 and a trailer number of 80758. Photos of the truck used to steal the beer and the man suspected of trying to sell the beer were caught on security cameras. Anyone with information on the theft is asked to contact Crimestoppers at 1-888-Crime-SC.

Quick math tells me the picture I used is about 45 cases.  How many people do you need to invite to a party where you have almost 30 of those pallets to kill?  Well, if I got an unlimited supply of Corona’s for a summertime bash to end all bashes, here’s my top 5 invites:  

Kate Upton – no brainer here.  It’s not that Upton’s the hottest chick (in my humble opinion), but she’s up there fo’ sho’.  And this is a summertime bash.  Coronas, BBQ & all your standard drinking games.  I don’t need an old, snooty Kim Kardashian at this shin-dig.  I want a young sexpot in a bikini who’s gonna bring friends, party with all the Average Joe’s and not be shy to hop in the pool or break out her Dougie rendition when we throw it back a couple years with some Cali Swag.

Guy Fieri – we need someone to man the grill, duh.  I don’t know too much about the celebrity chef world, but my first inclination was to invite the dude who I always see being a complete asshole to other people in TV commercials (who I found out is Gordon Ramsay).  I think it would be hilarious to hear everyone get ridiculed when getting their burgers and dogs…for about 10 minutes.  Inevitably someone’s gonna punch him in the face and then I gotta cook.  Fuck that, I want to party.  My buddy Jim recommended Guy, and he seems like the perfect guy to be flipping meats to perfection for a party of 1,000.

Dirk Nowitzki – might not make sense to a lot of you, but I’ve partied with Dirk before so I’m a little biased.  Cool dude.  Good luck getting me off the pong table when my partner is a 7′ all-time all-world free throw shooter.  I’ll quit when Upton needs me in the pool as her chicken partner, not because I lost.

Mike from Breaking Bad – listen, I understand we’re all trying to have a good time.  But when you got 1300 cases of Corona flowing, Kate Upton & friends strolling around with their tits out and some highly-competitive games of horse shoes & Kan Jam going on, there’s gonna be some inevitable hostility. Elbows over the table or otherwise, I don’t need shit getting out of control and dampening the festive mood of the masses.  There will be a designated area for fighting if both parties choose to throw hands fairly.  If Mike makes eye contact with you, though, you best calm the fuck down.  As long as everyone’s cool, we got the hottest hitman in the game right now spinning late-night kill stories around the bonfire.

Casey Anthony – I want to make it perfectly clear.  This is the summertime bash to end all summertime bashes.  If you want to ignore the “NO KIDS ALLOWED” on your invitation, it’ll serve you right when your child is found in a trash bag at the dump under paper plates and Corona caps.  I’d prefer you follow the rules though so we have one more hot chick who’s obviously DTF in full-fledged party mode instead of busy taking out the garbage.

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