[news] A DISTRAUGHT mother listened on a mobile phone as her teenage daughter was eaten alive by a brown bear and its three cubs. Olga Moskalyova, 19, gave an horrific hour-long running commentary on her own death in three separate calls as the wild animals mauled her. She screamed: ‘Mum, the bear is eating me! Mum, it’s such agony. Mum, help!’ Her mother Tatiana said that at first she thought she was joking. ’But then I heard the real horror and pain in Olga’s voice, and the sounds of a bear growling and chewing,’ she added. ‘I could have died then and there from shock.’ Unknown to Tatiana, the bear had already killed her husband Igor Tsyganenkov – Olga’s stepfather – by overpowering him, breaking his neck and smashing his skull. Olga, a trainee psychologist, saw the attack on her stepfather in tall grass and reeds by a river in Russia and fled for 70 yards before the mother bear grabbed her leg. As the creature toyed with her, she managed to call Tatiana several times during the prolonged attack.Tatiana rang her husband – not knowing he was already dead – but got no answer. In a second call, a weak Olga gasped: ‘Mum, the bears are back. She came back and brought her three babies. They’re… eating me.’
When I went away to school in the Midwest, my now wife was still living on Long Island. I got a call from her one day and she was all frantic. She told me that she set her toaster oven on fire (did you know you can’t cook taco shells in a toaster oven?) and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to be insensitive or anything, but I was like, you realize that as you’re talking to me your kitchen is burning down, right? Not much I can do from a thousand miles away. You either have to put it out or call the fire department. Kind of like the same thing but not really with Goldilocks here. If you’re going to eat some Russian bears’ porridge and sleep in their beds and what have you, and they come home and start eating you, you don’t call your mom to give her a play by play. You call for some damn help. Especially since this apparently went on for a full hour? To be honest. I don’t even believe this story is real. How can you sit through a bear eating you for one hour without dying or at least going into shock? In my head, she’s just kind of laying back watching this little bear cub munch on her little piggies while she sits on her phone, texting her friends. What was she doing in between phone calls to her mom? Checking in on FourSquare? Tweeting about it? #mauledalive. Updating her Facebook page? In the forrest getting eaten by bears. FML.