into BOLIVIAN

[Daily Mail]  Been to the pub for a couple and think you’ll be OK to drive home? One look in this mirror should convince you otherwise. This is the Government’s shocking new ad campaign to deter drink drivers. In the terrifying footage unsuspecting men are shown looking into the mirror while they wash their hands in a north London pub toilet. Suddenly a mannequin is thrown forcefully against the mirror from the other side – simulating the effect of a pedestrian hitting the windscreen in a car crash. The impact caused the mirror to crack and ‘blood’ to run down the frame into the sink.

When I’m at the bar and go to piss, I also use those couple minutes to get my act together. Take a quick inventory & argue with myself over whether or not I’m wasted before checking my wallet to see how many more Patron shots I can buy for the chick I won’t take home.  Read the rest of this entry »

[Smoking Gun]  Proving again that golfers are the most volatile and violent athletes, a Michigan man was arrested yesterday after allegedly breaking a club over another duffer’s head during a scoring argument. Glenn Lott, 59, was jailed yesterday for felony aggravated assault with a weapon following the confrontation at the Westwynd Golf Course in Oakland Township outside Detroit. According to the Oakland County Sheriff’s Office, Lott and the 65-year-old victim were playing yesterday afternoon when a dispute arose over the number of shots one of them took on a particular hole. During the argument, deputies allege, Lott struck the older man over the head with a club, breaking off its head. Lott then used the sawed-off club to stab the victim in the stomach. Lott, who lives about a mile from the golf course, was subsequently taken into custody at his residence and later booked into the county jail, where he is being held in lieu of formal charges. Lott is a former Drake University football star who was a second-round draft pick of the Buffalo Bills in 1975 (though he never ended up playing in the NFL). The man allegedly attacked by Lott declined medical treatment.

OK, first thing’s first – is this Ronnie Lott’s brother or not? I’m leaning no because I couldn’t confirm it with a 7-second Google search, but if I’m wrong, then this is no surprise. The failed football star who shares bloodlines with a HOFer famous for cutting a finger off instead of missing any time on the field obviously has a short fuse.

This is why I don’t play golf though. Everyone always tells me it’s relaxing & fun. Bullshit. Read the rest of this entry »

[KPTV]  A thief broke into multiple cars in the Bluff neighborhood of Sandy and stole some items rarely seen in police reports: sex toys. Sandy police said there are at least five victims, but one woman had the most embarrassing police report. ”I can’t believe it,” said Chelsey Coutts, about her sedan trunk being broken into. “I’m still in shock.” And beyond the shock of a rare theft on her quiet street Monday, Coutts said she couldn’t believe she had to tell police what someone stole. ”It was horrible. (The officer) kind of started laughing, but he felt bad so he asked me to describe everything in detail, and it was just horrible,” Coutts said. Coutts had been storing a cache of items that took her months and about $500 to collect for a bachelorette party this weekend. ”I’ve been storing it in my trunk because I have two little ones and didn’t want them to see all the dirty things in there,” said Coutts. “Lots of toys, blow-up items, all kinds of goodies.” ”It broke my heart,” said Haleigh Kirby, the bride-to-be, about the theft. “Chelsey’s worked so hard for so long on all this, and she’s done a really good job, and it’s just sad to see someone come and take all that away like that. I don’t even know what they could use it for.” Coutts said she’s thankful for many donations she’s already received to replace the items lost.

Man, bride-to-be Haleigh is in for a fucking treat. For however long she’s known Chelsey, she’s known who was gonna be in charge of her bachelorette party. The hot blonde of the group who, if I can be judgmental for a moment, is the poster child for your everyday slut. Read the rest of this entry »

[Bellingham Herald]  A young Gig Harbor woman who contends her Tacoma Community College music instructor coerced her into taking off her clothes and touching herself during singing lessons has sued the state and the teacher. She contends the community college failed in its duty to protect her from instructor Kevin Gausepohl, who she claims took advantage of her for his sexual gratification. The suit seeks unspecified damages, but she previously filed a $1.25 million claim against the state. Gausepohl told investigators two years ago he “vehemently” denies all of the allegations against him. The woman was a 17-year-old high school student attending the community college as part of the Running Start program two years ago when she made her allegations. He allegedly told the girl he was conducting a study on how sexual arousal affects vocal range, and she complied with some of his requests to strip or touch herself during voice lessons at the school. Gausepohl, 38, masturbated during one session while she played piano, the woman contends. The music instructor allegedly made similar requests of other students, who declined.

This story reminds me of a buddy I have. Actually, we all do. The “player” with no shame, hitting on chicks 24/7 with his embarrassing “game” and, usually, giving us all a good laugh as he whiffs repeatedly. Sometimes, though, he’ll go yard like the Adam Dunn of pussy. Read the rest of this entry »

[York Dispatch]  A York County couple not only couldn’t agree on which “American Idol” contestant was going to win the reality singing contest last week but also couldn’t agree on who stabbed whom first. As Karen Elaine Harrelson, 48, and Gregory L. Stambaugh, 57, were watching “American Idol” in the basement of Stambaugh’s home, the two got into an drunken argument over which contestant should win the season’s title. So one of them went to the kitchen, got a knife and stabbed the other. Whoever was stabbed first then took hold of the knife and stabbed the other. Both Harrelson and Stambaugh told police the other one got a knife and struck first.

He said: Officer Matt Emig found Harrelson, who had blood on her arms and clothing, standing outside the home. An argumentative Stambaugh came out of the house and yelled about “how police don’t give a fuck about the girls” and “only arrest the guys”. He was taken into custody and told officers that he had been stabbed in his left forearm. Stambaugh told police that Harrelson went upstairs to the kitchen, got a knife, returned to the basement and stabbed him. He said she then went back to the main floor and Stambaugh followed her and got the knife away from her. Harrelson suffered cuts to her right wrist and two left fingers as they struggled for the knife.

She said: Harrelson’s version of what happened is slightly different. She told police she went to the kitchen and got a knife to cut a piece of cake when Stambaugh, who followed her upstairs, used a second knife to cut her wrist and also hit her head with his hand and threw her down. Harrelson said she stabbed Stambaugh with the knife she had and then called 911. Both Harrelson and Stambaugh told police they been drinking, with Stambaugh adding that Harrelson started drinking beer and tequila at 5 a.m. and that he joined in at noon by drinking beer and a pint of scotch.

Was there anyone more pumped for the American Idol finale than these two motherfuckers? You can’t really go much harder at pregaming than Karen & Gregory. But there is a subtle difference that sheds a little light onto their characters. Read the rest of this entry »

[iSports Times]  A high-schooler named Michael Strem has thrown a 66-pitch perfect game. According to the San Jose Mercury News, Strem’s perfect game was the first in his school’s history. It came during the top-seeded St. Francis Lancers’ first-round matchup versus No. 16 seed Monta Vista in the California Interscholastic Federation Central Coast Section Division I playoffs. The St. Francis Lancers ultimately won the contest when Mark Cardinalli hit a two-run single in the sixth inning. Even more impressively, this 66-pitch perfect game included 48 strikes. Thus, Strem averaged just over three pitches per batter, finishing the contest with eight strikeouts. While this is the first 66-pitch perfect game of Strem’s career, he has been dominant at the high school level this season. Per MaxPreps.com, the pitcher is 10-1 in 13 appearances with a 1.12 ERA. He also has a .400 batting average with 40 hits and 17 runs batted in. Per NESN, he has already committed to Boston College.

Hey Michael Strem, you might be pulling in an endless amount of high school trim with your bullshit perfect game, but you’re not impressing me. 7 innings? Read the rest of this entry »

[Stock Island]  A Stock Island man was arrested, charged with cutting another man with a knife in a dispute over a woman. The victim said he and a man he only knows as  “worm” got into a fight over a woman they both had dated. He said he was originally dating her, then she left him for “worm”. After staying with “worm” for a while, she returned to the victim. He said on Saturday morning, he was on his boat in Boca Chica Channel when “worm” went by in a dinghy yelling profanities. When “worm” got to the Key Haven boat ramp, he threw the victim’s moped into the water. The victim went to the boat ramp to confront “worm” and a fight ensued. “Worm” pulled out a knife and slashed the victim, cutting his arm. Deputy Kim Trullender was dispatched to reports of a fight at the boat ramp at 10:45 a.m. He found no one there, but a short time later he found the victim at the Tom Thumb store on Stock Island. He was taken to the hospital for treatment of his injury. He told Deputy Trullender what happened. Jeffery “Worm” Ballard was found by Deputy Joe Cortner walking on College Road at 1:15 a.m. He had blood on his face and head, and told the deputy he’d been beaten up by the victim of the earlier fight. He was arrested and charged with aggravated battery.

Anyone nicknamed “Worm” is obviously a sketchy motherfucker. But they’ve also proven to be wise. Worms have taught me how to respect my money…   Read the rest of this entry »