Santa[Tampa Bay] The bishop’s going rate was signing off on 50 fake community service hours for seven hugs. “Hug is too light of a term, I think,” said Cpl. Felicia Pecora. “They were very groping hugs.” Police arrested Charles M. Leigh, 64, on Wednesday on six counts of falsifying records and six counts of falsifying official records in writing, all misdemeanors. Leigh, who says he is a bishop, leads the Apostolic Catholic Church at 7813 N Nebraska Ave., which promotes itself as an alternative to the Roman Catholic Church. His sanctuary is hardly more than a small house, and his parishioners include prostitutes and people on probation. His church was among the various churches, hospitals and other entities where the Florida Department of Corrections allows probationers to perform community service hours as part of their criminal punishment. In June, police received a tip that Leigh was falsifying probation paperwork. An undercover officer pretending to be on probation went in and waited to meet with him to see about earning community service hours. “Oh, you won’t have any problem; you’re female,” a man told her. Leigh signed off on paperwork saying the woman had performed 17 community service hours after giving her four “intimate hugs”. She returned Wednesday and got three “groping hugs” in exchange for 33 more hours. When the undercover officer pushed him away, he dismissed her, saying, “Aw, I guess I’m too gropey.” She had to push him off twice before officers moved in to arrest Leigh.

Hugs? We talkin’ bout hugs? We ain’t talkin’ bout kissing…not handies…not head…not titty-sucking, finger-blasting or fucking…but hugs? I don’t care how gropey these hugs were – if you’re still calling it a hug, it’s just as insignificant as community service. Maybe Kris Kringle took a handful of butt cheek. Maybe he copped some titty with a from-behind squeeze. Big deal. Read the rest of this entry »

Monty-Ray-Grow[WTSP]  A former University of Florida linebacker was arrested for child abuse after police say he left a 3-year-old girl in his car alone while he went into a strip club. Deputies say when they got to the scene, the child’s grandparents were already there and had removed the child from the vehicle. An investigation revealed 41-year-old Monty R. Grow of Redington Beach had driven the car into the Drive Time parking lot and left the girl unattended in the vehicle while he went inside the Diamond Dolls strip club around 9:48 p.m. Sunday. Deputies say that as they were investigating the incident, Grow ran up to the car and admitted to leaving the girl unattended. She was not injured. Grow was a linebacker with the Florida Gators from 1989-1993. He was suspended for one year in 1991 after he tested positive for steroids and was reinstated by the NCAA in time for the 1992 season opener. He went on to play a season each for the Kansas City Chiefs and the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Give the guy a break. Don’t all parents need mini-timeouts every once in a while? Dude’s just trying to balance coping with life as a former juicehead/failed pro athlete with parenthood. Doesn’t sound easy. What would all the “perfect parents” out there have done? Read the rest of this entry »

Scrody Writes Like . . .

Posted: June 24 @ 10:00am by scrody in Bolivian
Spoiler Alert! (so hot)

Spoiler Alert!
(so hot)

I just came across this website called “I Write Like” that’s supposed to analyze your writing style and compare it with the styles of famous authors. You just paste something you’ve written in this box, click analyze, and bingo-bango it tells you who you write like. Even though I’m currently serving a two year blogging ban for doping, I figured it would be worth violating my suspension to see what famous authors I stack up with. I can only assume it’s the best of the best, maybe Hemingway or Dickens or Shakespeare…but let’s see. It’s been a while, so let me just pull up the first post I can find. Ah…here we go. A story about a bear eating a man’s head off. Here are my words:

Yesterday, I had to take a huge shit. When I perched my cheeks on my throne, I reached into my pocket only to realize I left my iPhone on my desk. No Twitter, no Chess with Friends, no iB… just me and my excrements. Aside from that though, I bet getting eaten by a bear is the worst thing that can happen to you while trying to drop the Obamas off at The White House. Credit his friend though. If he were just a dumb, teenaged chick he’d probably waste his time texting his mom about the ordeal. Instead, he manned up and shot the bastard. The journalist in me has to know though… was he able to finish taking care of his business? Having to poo and not being able to has got to be one of the all time worst feelings in the world. If it were me, and I had to decide between bear chompers in my cranium or a stuffed up and bloated large intestine, I’m taking the gnawed off noggin every time. I’d just sit there and take my chances… no way I’m pinching off a partially pinched loaf.

Poetry. Genius. Now, lets copy/paste that into the ol’ IWL machine…and the results are. I write like Margaret Atwood. Who is that you ask? No fucking clue. Must be awesome though if she writes like I do. Let’s Google a sample of her work.

You’re sad because you’re sad.
It’s psychic. It’s the age. It’s chemical.
Go see a shrink or take a pill,
or hug your sadness like an eyeless doll
you need to sleep.

There’s more, but I cut it off after the first paragraph because it fucking sucks. You’re sad because you’re sad? Hug your eyeless doll and you need to sleep? Margaret, I can write better words using a pen protruding from my asshole (see, I did it right there). I’m so pissed off at this website right now for comparing my prose to this rubbish…but let’s give it another shot. Maybe they’re still working out the kinks. After another quick search through the archives, here’s a story about black people and McDonalds:

I don’t understand this philosophy at all. McDonald’s obviously knows that African-Americans can’t afford the extra charge, so all they’re doing is losing their black customers. They’ll never step foot inside another McDon…ohhhhhh. You sly sons of bitches. I’m with you now. Well played. But if you’re going to charge a tax for thievery, you might as well charge a brawl tax too. If I’ve learned anything from watching World Star Hip Hop videos it’s that (fast food restaurant) + (minorities) = (all out knock down drag out brawl). Shit gets absolutely destroyed. I wouldn’t be mad at McDonalds in the least if they started enforcing these taxes either. If it costs me an extra buck and a half to be able to eat questionable patties of meat in an environment where I don’t have to worry about my wallet being stolen or some fat broad tossing my table at some other heifer, then sign me up yesterday.

Aaaand, IWL says… What the?!…no joke, Margaret fucking Atwood again! Maybe I just picked a bad sample of Margaret’s work. Let me try finding something better. Stand by… Uh:

Starspangled cowboy
sauntering out of the almost-
silly West, on your face
a porcelain grin,
tugging a papier-mache cactus
on wheels behind you with a string,

What. In. The. Fuck? How do black people beating the shit out of each other over Big Macs have anything to do with star spangled cowboys? This broad is awful. I think the IWL guys have to tweak their site a bit. I’m going to give it one more shot. Oh…I remember this post. One of my favorites. I have to at least get a James Joyce comparison for this one.

Have you ever been joking around with someone and then they laughed and said, “oh that’s too funny”? For some reason, that really grinds my gears. What does “that’s too funny” even mean? I mean, I understand that my humor is probably superior to anything they’re used to hearing. But is it possible for something to be too funny? Like, “hey, the jokes you’ve been spouting up until now have been hilarious. As far as funny goes, they’ve been just right. But that last bit was a little too funny and I’ll kindly ask you to dial it back a touch. Funny is funny but that was a little too funny.” Never in my life have I ever thought something was too funny for me to handle.

And the result is…Stephen King! I’ll take it! My posts are pretty much interchangeable with The Shining and The Green Mile. I mean, hilarious posts about being too funny and clowns that go around killing each other… whoa… hold on. I was about to write a facetious sentence about how dumb the iwl site is BUT wouldn’t a clown that goes around killing people, like in Stephen King’s IT, be considered too funny? Spot. On. Finally. Third time’s a charm.

[Daily Mail]  Been to the pub for a couple and think you’ll be OK to drive home? One look in this mirror should convince you otherwise. This is the Government’s shocking new ad campaign to deter drink drivers. In the terrifying footage unsuspecting men are shown looking into the mirror while they wash their hands in a north London pub toilet. Suddenly a mannequin is thrown forcefully against the mirror from the other side – simulating the effect of a pedestrian hitting the windscreen in a car crash. The impact caused the mirror to crack and ‘blood’ to run down the frame into the sink.

When I’m at the bar and go to piss, I also use those couple minutes to get my act together. Take a quick inventory & argue with myself over whether or not I’m wasted before checking my wallet to see how many more Patron shots I can buy for the chick I won’t take home.  Read the rest of this entry »

glennlott[Smoking Gun]  Proving again that golfers are the most volatile and violent athletes, a Michigan man was arrested yesterday after allegedly breaking a club over another duffer’s head during a scoring argument. Glenn Lott, 59, was jailed yesterday for felony aggravated assault with a weapon following the confrontation at the Westwynd Golf Course in Oakland Township outside Detroit. According to the Oakland County Sheriff’s Office, Lott and the 65-year-old victim were playing yesterday afternoon when a dispute arose over the number of shots one of them took on a particular hole. During the argument, deputies allege, Lott struck the older man over the head with a club, breaking off its head. Lott then used the sawed-off club to stab the victim in the stomach. Lott, who lives about a mile from the golf course, was subsequently taken into custody at his residence and later booked into the county jail, where he is being held in lieu of formal charges. Lott is a former Drake University football star who was a second-round draft pick of the Buffalo Bills in 1975 (though he never ended up playing in the NFL). The man allegedly attacked by Lott declined medical treatment.

OK, first thing’s first – is this Ronnie Lott’s brother or not? I’m leaning no because I couldn’t confirm it with a 7-second Google search, but if I’m wrong, then this is no surprise. The failed football star who shares bloodlines with a HOFer famous for cutting a finger off instead of missing any time on the field obviously has a short fuse.

This is why I don’t play golf though. Everyone always tells me it’s relaxing & fun. Bullshit. Read the rest of this entry »

SexToySlut[KPTV]  A thief broke into multiple cars in the Bluff neighborhood of Sandy and stole some items rarely seen in police reports: sex toys. Sandy police said there are at least five victims, but one woman had the most embarrassing police report. ”I can’t believe it,” said Chelsey Coutts, about her sedan trunk being broken into. “I’m still in shock.” And beyond the shock of a rare theft on her quiet street Monday, Coutts said she couldn’t believe she had to tell police what someone stole. ”It was horrible. (The officer) kind of started laughing, but he felt bad so he asked me to describe everything in detail, and it was just horrible,” Coutts said. Coutts had been storing a cache of items that took her months and about $500 to collect for a bachelorette party this weekend. ”I’ve been storing it in my trunk because I have two little ones and didn’t want them to see all the dirty things in there,” said Coutts. “Lots of toys, blow-up items, all kinds of goodies.” ”It broke my heart,” said Haleigh Kirby, the bride-to-be, about the theft. “Chelsey’s worked so hard for so long on all this, and she’s done a really good job, and it’s just sad to see someone come and take all that away like that. I don’t even know what they could use it for.” Coutts said she’s thankful for many donations she’s already received to replace the items lost.

Man, bride-to-be Haleigh is in for a fucking treat. For however long she’s known Chelsey, she’s known who was gonna be in charge of her bachelorette party. The hot blonde of the group who, if I can be judgmental for a moment, is the poster child for your everyday slut. Read the rest of this entry »

Teacher[Bellingham Herald]  A young Gig Harbor woman who contends her Tacoma Community College music instructor coerced her into taking off her clothes and touching herself during singing lessons has sued the state and the teacher. She contends the community college failed in its duty to protect her from instructor Kevin Gausepohl, who she claims took advantage of her for his sexual gratification. The suit seeks unspecified damages, but she previously filed a $1.25 million claim against the state. Gausepohl told investigators two years ago he “vehemently” denies all of the allegations against him. The woman was a 17-year-old high school student attending the community college as part of the Running Start program two years ago when she made her allegations. He allegedly told the girl he was conducting a study on how sexual arousal affects vocal range, and she complied with some of his requests to strip or touch herself during voice lessons at the school. Gausepohl, 38, masturbated during one session while she played piano, the woman contends. The music instructor allegedly made similar requests of other students, who declined.

This story reminds me of a buddy I have. Actually, we all do. The “player” with no shame, hitting on chicks 24/7 with his embarrassing “game” and, usually, giving us all a good laugh as he whiffs repeatedly. Sometimes, though, he’ll go yard like the Adam Dunn of pussy. Read the rest of this entry »